We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hippo gnu deer
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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