Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
