I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
