I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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