id be glad to
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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