He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
