I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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