I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
