She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
