Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
