i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
