fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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