ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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