If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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