In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
operation have a gay friend backfired
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize