I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
