There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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