I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
