he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
