Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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