i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
