We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
