just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
