You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
