i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
