i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
