dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
His nipple licking is glorious
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