There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
