Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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