we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
