I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize