Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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