God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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