So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
