I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
