I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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