Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
