i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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