i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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