Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
