Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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