Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
