a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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