I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
