Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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