What a fucking waste of an outfit
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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