Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
