Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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