the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
