Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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