My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize