all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
