he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
