I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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