i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
