if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
