it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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