I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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