how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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